“(U)nless one wants to live a stunningly boring life, one ought to be on good terms with one’s darker side and one’s darker energies.”
– Kay Redfield Jamison
She is a dominatrix and I am standing at her iron gate, waiting for her to answer. I don’t say this out loud, but: I come to her not to be dominated – by her, nor anything else outside myself.
I am here to reanimate my self. I am here to dominate my self.
My lips are the color of a Clockwork Orange and when she opens the door, I do not tell her that I have come to violently reconquer myself. No, I do not tip my hat and tell the black corseted woman that I am here to reassemble myself – that I have fallen apart and it is time to put myself back together again.
I have found myself in a place of misfortune. There are claims being levied on me: That I am intelligent. An intellectual. Maybe brilliant.
Couple that with my broken heart and clearly: I am not very smart at all. The evidence is in the previous weeks of my life where the stars have reflected exactly what the days have said: I am weak. This is weak. This week. The week before.
Euphemistically: I could not keep the girl. I lost the girl.
Realistically: I have felt like I am dying. And she feels nowhere near that, nor me, nor any of the ideas I have about love or life.
I believed that I was giving shape to love. And I was ready for love to shape me. But I lost track of minutes and murky moments. I started to drown. And then, I did.
The dominatrix is wearing black. A corset and dress and knee-high boots. She is sexy and beach bum tan. Blonde hair. Wild eyes.
Alas, I have arrived at her high-end loft to photograph her.
She asks me if her panties will suffice. She pulls up her dress revealing black lace and the perfect cut on her ass.
I nod and grin.
Ever the exhibitionist, she neatly crawls up onto her purple couch and sticks her ass in the air. We joke, saying that, clearly, this must be her first time in front of a camera.
I pull it out and begin snapping away.
I can feel the blood surging to my midsection. My face becomes flushed. And, unbeknownst to me, for the next couple of hours I will forget everything beyond that front door and everything swelling darkly and violently inside me.
I am a master of moments in so much as I am present in them.
Apart from that, I am no master at all. Laziness and pride has infected me. My internal world, a detritus which has proved caustic to everything outside of me has driven everything I have wanted away from me like a scream.
Once you have love, you need nothing more. But when you do not have love, little else matters.
Swirling in the unbelief and ethereal uncertainty that the death of love carries under its vulture wings and I have broken myself completely down. Taken everything apart. Bolts and screws and plugs and radiators, all laid-out before me now as a ghost; me as an empty vessel. Me as something that is the sum total of all the parts and bolts and gaskets.
All the heaters, and hoses and filters are: Moments. Experience.
In the end, all we remain to be is the sum total of all of our moments.
Safe behind the camera, she is safe in front.
She is watching herself in the wall mirror at the fore of her bed. She is touching her skin and engorging elements of mine.
I am snapping away and she crawls onto the teal bed. There is a wine glass full of water on the nightstand that her cat drinks out of. In the background is the sound of the ocean swelling and receding. Industrial music in the other room.
She tells me that she is wild, but it is unnecessary. I know this already. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t return like I have. Whichever way, without words, you can see it in her eyes. In her tattoos. In the way that she begins to run her fingers up and down her clothed cunt as she splays her legs open before me.
I like the dark figures. The shadows that others either gawk at, or never see. I like, and more that than, need the Steppenwolfs of this world; the ones that the rest of the world does not understand, or simply won’t.
On the other hand, I fear the simpletons. I revile the medians in the middle of my road. I am not impressed by you, but somehow always astounded and intrigued by what you do. You are always an observation. A comment on our state of this, our collected consumer union.
I do not understand you and you do not understand me. We split, violently.
I do not want you: I do not want simple. I do not want unsophisticated.
I do not want network television and sit-coms and remedial tasks, boring college degrees and shopping in malls, for leisure. I do not care about your pedestrian celebrities, or the fact that they fill that dying place in you, one of many, where you are hollow and infantile.
I do not want your fun times as the end and means of your everything. Your only thing.
You bore me, thankless, thoughtless pretty people of the society of the spectacle.
I want something developed. If it is light, then shine on me. Burn me. If it is dark, let me crawl into it. And let it crawl into me.
The dominatrix is dark as a din and I like spending time with her because she makes me feel lighter. As though I have a home.
She is looking at me like she wants to eat me. Little does she know how desperately I want to be eaten – by anyone. By someone.
And now, not by that one. The last one. Not my one.
Because there never was one.
Like everywhere in cosmos: There are many.
I am resurfacing.
From the milky void of hate – for all that we have become: Mental midgets and terribly boring.
However, I feel it: I am beginning to resurface – from the nearly irreversible sadness that I believe I will carry with me for the rest of my days. Yes, it is this serious: When you gamble with your heart, you gamble with the whole fabric of your entire being.
Only days later and: I am older now. Now I am changed. Now I do not think about her as much. Now I do not wonder where or what or how she is doing. This despite the fact that I would still kiss her cheek softly, or race to rescue…
With my knuckled fists in front of my face and,
I am fighting to stay right here. Right now.
The dominatrix is completely naked and writhing on her bed. She is contorting into every conceivable position. She opens her legs and shows me all of her wet sex. She teases me the way she teases the camera.
She says: We need to get you naked.
I say yes. We do.
I lay the camera down and she picks it up.
I conceptualize the word “naked” and as I am unbuttoning my shirt I think about how I didn’t even remember putting on the fabric that I came with. I have felt so bare for so long. As I peel my shirt off, the dominatrix snaps away and I feel that my skin is charred. Sore. Burned.
She reaches out and grabs my belt and jerks me toward her. She says, get this off…
Then, I fall back into now.
Yesterday is gone. An empty promise.
My cock is being pulled from my pants. I am only a half-participant in the reveal. She is peeling me out and away from myself. Her cold hands and manicured fingers make my head light.
She says that she likes what she sees.
I can see her intermittently looking at the camera and then just watching her hand on my hard, throbbing cock.
She snaps away on the camera and then cups my cock in her hand as she shoots with her one free hand. I can see the vibrant lust in her eyes, licking and clicking away.
I am overwhelmed with fierce sensations.
I am flying.
I am present.
I am intoxicated.
Intense experience and intense emotion are the only things that I truly value. I only want intoxication and unreality.
If you only want part of me, have none of me at all.
If I do not make you burn, then leave me in embers. I will only try and build a fire for so long.
If you cannot burn on your own, then please recede from me in peace like the dream that you were. For I want not your counsel, nor your arms…
She is between my legs, helping me give birth. In this regeneration, my cock is alternately in her hand and in her mouth. Sometimes, when she clamps down on me with all of her wicked sensualism, she uses both hands and her entire, wet mouth.
She gives me the camera and turns the light toward us. The light is hot and bulbous as the sun and drowns-out the world beyond her between my splayed legs and my cock sliding in and out of her wet mouth.
She is always hungry and I know this, but she devours me as though desperation has set-in and every meal has passed her by.
Now clothed again, for some etiquette’s sake, she begins to pull off her clothes. I hear her reach under the nightstand and when she comes back out, she wraps my cock in a sheeth and says, now I’m going to fuck you.
I say, yes please.
And finally, again: I can barely breathe because I am burning. Seething. Fiery.
When I flip her over, I violently pin her legs up in the air. With all the rage of everything torn and reversed inside of me, I fuck the dominatrix. She is not fucking me.
I am in brutal in my control.
I am forceful. I am not weak. I am pounding everything I have deep inside of her, and beyond. This is my fuck you, I do not need you, I do not belong here.
Sweat is beading on my skin and falling from me.
As I feel parts of me melting away, dripping from my body, I can feel the condensation of my matter, as though I am in a centrifuge. I can feel the ugly particles, the ugly, black thoughts separating. I can feel something even stronger reanimating my white particles – the particles that I will need two hours from now when I am hunched over my knees and sobbing in the deathly silence of everything behind me.
Where I once had a heart, I am now left with ignorance and sadness. And where a girl once stood before me as a representative of all the love I have to give and receive, I now only see a shadowy figure, blackened and coal.
“I have often longed for peace and tranquility — looked into the lives of others and envied a kind of calmness — and yet I don’t know if this tranquility is what I truly would have wished for myself.”
– Kay Redfield Jamison