Rules of Engagement

This is not profound. This is not new.

In some regards, I can’t even believe that I need to say all of this. But, apparently, I do:

There are no rules to sex. In case you weren’t aware of this.

Apparently, some people are not. Aware.

Somehow (probably too many girlie magazines and episodes of Sex and the City with its hackneyed “wisdom”) a variety of unhealthy paradigms have risen to the surface. Or maybe they were always there, it’s just that I’ve been seeing them intensify in the encounters and relationships I’ve sustained over the course of the last couple of years.

That being said – I believe that there are a couple of things that need to be spoken out loud (and oh my has it been a long time coming):

Foreplay. Don’t skip this step, or hurry through it. (Foreplay is typically my favorite facet to a sexual encounter). I understand that when you want somebody, the intensity increases and gets to a nearly-painful point where you want to devour that other person, but play with that anticipation. Don’t rush through foreplay. Kissing may just be the hottest aphrodisiac.

Take your time disrobing. Take a step back when your partner is getting undressed. Take a look. Take your time.

NEWSFLASH: Erections come and go. This is natural physiology. It’s not an offense and it doesn’t dictate a man’s feelings toward you. REPEAT: It’s not an offense and it doesn’t dictate a man’s feelings toward you. If a man loses his erection, play with him. Touch him. Don’t act like his cock is a venomous snake and you are scared of it. If you are, in fact, scared of touching it maybe you aren’t ready to have sexual relations yet). Touch it. Make it hard again. Because it will be – hard, again. Switch positions. And, whatever you do: be gentle and kind about it.

Condoms do not assist in healthy erections. (When I’m looking at a condom selection the only spectrum I see is: absolutely no sensation, or a little, tiny bit of sensation – for a few minutes).

Communicate: But be gentle. Be kind. But speak – with your mouth, your hands, your whole body. Remember that your body can talk, sometimes even louder than your mouth.

Sex and love are dichotomous entities. However, they can, and do, merge neatly and fluidly. Don’t discount the fluid spectrum of life that we live in.

There is no formula to sex. Foreplay can and should, come at various points throughout an encounter. And a sexual encounter does not need to culminate with an orgasm.

An orgasm is not an indicator of a person’s lack of interest in you. And, here’s a surprise: Men don’t always need to have an orgasm to enjoy themselves. I know, I know – this is quite unorthodox.

Enjoy the ride. Life is fluid and allows you to take whatever you want out of an experience.

Communicate: But be gentle in your communications. Be kind. Speak your mind – tell your partner what you want and need. Show your partner how to give you an orgasm.

YOU make your experiences, not the world around you.

~ by The Provocateur on June 13, 2007.

10 Responses to “Rules of Engagement”

  1. Please: could we have this laminated, with the female version on the other side, and force people to carry it on their person at all times? and to learn it by heart? Then maybe we could eradicate Sex By Numbers once and for all. Bravo, tesoro.

  2. i agree with you 100% on this.

    except me being the creature i am…i want a mindfuck even before the foreplay.


  3. Amen! Very good advice.

  4. Thank you for saying it. I’m there right beside you on this one.

  5. “the best sex begins in the mind first”
    then foreplay 😉

    kissing. the most amazing human interaction, in my opinion.
    ohhh the things it does.

  6. Every adult should have this embossed on the front of their credit card or some piece of plastic they see frequently. It is so true.

  7. Wonderful.

    I loved “Newsflash: Erections come and go.” Now, if only men would understand that we understand this point, and not act embarrassed and as if they have dealt you a grave disappointment.

  8. This is a wonderful list. Knowing these simple points could save so many people so much frustration and misunderstanding, and lead to so much more pleasure…

  9. You say this is not profound, this is not new. Okay, perhaps not. However it could absolutely help LOTS of people I know because apparently I’m the only person that I do know (with a single exception) who genuinely grasps what you’ve written. I’m linking this post because MORE people need to read it!

  10. Every woman should be so lucky to meet a man such as yourself!

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