The Confession

This is a confessional.

Small in scope, yet colossal in size – I feel the need for clarification. For the first time in awhile I have looked behind me and found that I have left a trail of debris. Here, the ash is scattered between three girls. Like the melody in a song, the carbon remnants have been strewn through the last three relationships I’ve maintained; tying them inextricably together, forever.

I’m not proud of these fractured days. But all of these disconnects revolved around two concepts: sex and love. And it is these two concepts that I have chosen to write about, here in this blog. In part this material is a departure from the other work that I have published. However, it is also exactly the kind of work that I have been publishing all of my adult life. It is the kind of work that I have always written, and always wanted to write.

Yes, it is true: I write erotica.

Yes, it is also true that I did not tell you.

Three of you, I did not tell.

Solemnly: I had no feeling that this all would transpire. I simply wanted to feel some of the edges of this world – my erotic world. I wanted to play with the ideas and roll my thoughts in it all before baking in the summer heat.

No I did not tell you. Because I didn’t trust you. Because you never knew about this side of me. And you never did want to know about it.

And for my entire adult life I have struggled with an acceptance of my sexuality. The forces inside me have always told me that I was dirty. That something was askew. Then the other, dominant face said that I was no different. No less powerful. No more weak than any of my contemporaries.

I want to love. And as that is my aim, I have needed to explore this outlet. I have needed to come clean – to myself and the world around me. Still terrified to be found-out, my walls are falling. Not because of apathy. But because of who it is I have become.

In this, I am okay. In this, however, I am sending my psychic apologies to those I have hurt.

And so, to answer the lingering questions:

Am I sorry? Deeply.

But,

Am I pervert? Sure.

Am I a deviant? Absolutely.

Am I okay with that? 100 percent.

~ by The Provocateur on June 6, 2007.

6 Responses to “The Confession”

  1. The greatest thing you can ever do is be true to yourself. Even I have denied myself my own pleasures. We are lead to believe that how we sexual beings is “wrong”. Good for you for standing up for yourself. Inevitably, people will get hurt. I had to hurt someone to find my true happiness, but I could no longer deny myself the pleasures.

  2. Wow. I feel as though a substantial comment is due here, but I will remain silent, as it is not my place. I hope you are well and that your heart is mending.

  3. Embracing your sexuality is most important. An eloquent confession, even if born of such unfortunate circumstances.

  4. i have had to accept some not-so-normal things from E as he has with me. love prevails.

    i wouldn’t want you any other way then 100% you.

    *kiss*

  5. Aha someone else with thoughts that plague me every day. Cheers …never settle..

  6. I dont write ‘erotica’ but the feelings / fantasies I sometimes have, I look upon them as being ‘dirty’!!!

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