This is a confessional.
Small in scope, yet colossal in size – I feel the need for clarification. For the first time in awhile I have looked behind me and found that I have left a trail of debris. Here, the ash is scattered between three girls. Like the melody in a song, the carbon remnants have been strewn through the last three relationships I’ve maintained; tying them inextricably together, forever.
I’m not proud of these fractured days. But all of these disconnects revolved around two concepts: sex and love. And it is these two concepts that I have chosen to write about, here in this blog. In part this material is a departure from the other work that I have published. However, it is also exactly the kind of work that I have been publishing all of my adult life. It is the kind of work that I have always written, and always wanted to write.
Yes, it is true: I write erotica.
Yes, it is also true that I did not tell you.
Three of you, I did not tell.
Solemnly: I had no feeling that this all would transpire. I simply wanted to feel some of the edges of this world – my erotic world. I wanted to play with the ideas and roll my thoughts in it all before baking in the summer heat.
No I did not tell you. Because I didn’t trust you. Because you never knew about this side of me. And you never did want to know about it.
And for my entire adult life I have struggled with an acceptance of my sexuality. The forces inside me have always told me that I was dirty. That something was askew. Then the other, dominant face said that I was no different. No less powerful. No more weak than any of my contemporaries.
I want to love. And as that is my aim, I have needed to explore this outlet. I have needed to come clean – to myself and the world around me. Still terrified to be found-out, my walls are falling. Not because of apathy. But because of who it is I have become.
In this, I am okay. In this, however, I am sending my psychic apologies to those I have hurt.
And so, to answer the lingering questions:
Am I sorry? Deeply.
Am I pervert? Sure.
Am I a deviant? Absolutely.
Am I okay with that? 100 percent.